There is no doubt about it. I am a mammal, therefore I am a sexual creature. I am also a Christian and I hold fast to the teaching that sex is designed for marriage. This puts me in a real pickle since I’m going through a divorce. Yes, divorce is frowned upon in the church, but trust me when I tell you I have plenty of biblical justification for it, so let’s just leave that one alone.
To my horror, there is extremely limited information out there for someone like me when it comes to managing sexuality in a way that honors God. My ultimate source of information will always be the Bible. It says that sex is a no unless I re-marry. It says that lust is as bad as adultery. It says nothing about how to handle one’s sexual desire in the meantime. NOTHING.
So I took my search to google, because I hoped that maybe someone out there could give me a definitive answer. Maybe there was some magical switch I could turn off in my brain and shut down my libido entirely, or some prayer I could pray to make the need go away. I was severely disappointed. Everyone loves to talk about virgins waiting for marriage, but they neglect to address people like me. They also love to talk about men and porn addiction, but they still don’t give answers for me.
I am a woman. I have had and enjoyed sex. I am not married. As far as I know, I won’t be having sex for a very, very long time. Are you in this boat with me? Can someone raise their hand and say YES? It seems as though we have been forgotten by all the Christian writers. Either that, or they choose to turn a blind eye to our suffering. Yes, I said suffering because let’s be honest, sometimes this hurts.
I love Jesus with all that I am. I can not stand the thought of disappointing him. I have begged and pleaded with him to just shut down everything in me that craves sex. I’ve yelled toward heaven for him to kill my sex drive. No dice. It hasn’t happened yet, and what’s incredible to me is that it hasn’t happened for anyone else either.
So what’s really going on here? There have been other moments of suffering in my life where I have seen God come to the rescue, sometimes in very dramatic ways. He has healed physical ailments. He has provided abundantly when there was no way I could have made it. He has removed things from my path that were a bother to me. Yet, in all of his action in every area of my life, this He will not touch.
Before I go any further here, I want you to know that what I’m about to say is highly likely to offend many people. Some may want to burn me at the stake for this one, so if you are inclined to be offended by radical thought, I strongly advise you to stop reading right now.
After nearly a year of self examination, deep prayer, fasting, and biblical research, I have come to a conclusion for how to handle my sexuality in a way that will honor God and honor myself. I believe that God chooses not to remove sexual desire because it is a crucial element of the human experience. I also believe that in his great compassion and mercy for us, he has allowed us to achieve orgasm by our own means.
What am I saying here? I’m saying that masturbation in itself can be the greatest expression of mercy from a God who doesn’t want his children to suffer.
This is how I’ve come to this conclusion. For starters, there is nothing in the Bible that says this is a sin. It’s not even mentioned in the Bible. Go ahead and search for yourself. You won’t find anything. What you will find is that God cares about intentions and he cares about the heart. So what that says to me is this. If your intention is pure, meaning that you are not masturbating from a place of lust, then I don’t believe it is sin. Don’t even try to pretend and say you don’t know what that means. If you’ve been scoping out Mr. Muscle all day and have been itching to get home alone so you can go ham on all the fantasies you’ve been storing up then you know you are lusting and that is sinful and you need to repent.
Want proof? Go to Matthew 5:28. Looking at someone with lust is sin. Period. How much more sinful is looking at that person, storing an image in your mind, then fantasizing about all the things you would do with that person as you edge your way to orgasm? While we’re on that subject, I believe fantasy of any kind is sinful. This means if you are using porn of any kind- and don’t pretend this doesn’t exist among women because we all know it does-then you aren’t honoring God. If you are watching, reading, listening to other people having sex, I count that as porn and that’s a no.
So that covers intention, but what about the heart? Is my heart pure in this quest for satisfaction? I measure that by what I desire most. If all I care about is feeling good, I think that is sinful. God has to be my priority always. He has to own my heart. If I ever find myself wanting anything more than I want him, that is a problem. I am very careful in the way that I use masturbation. I don’t let it own me. I don’t make a habit of it. I don’t even reach to that as a first option when I’m feeling frustrated, lonely, upset, horny, or any other emotion. I can’t allow this to be a thing that soothes me because then it becomes my God.
So here’s the nuts and bolts of it. I masturbate. I think that it is a gift that was given for people to control their sex drive when they don’t have a partner. I don’t fantasize when I masturbate, and I only use it as a final resort when I’m in a place of extreme need. It is a very mechanical thing, meaning it is purely physical. My mind is not engaged with anything except what is happening in my body. And when it’s done, sex and all my feelings can go back on the shelf and not interfere with my ability to function for awhile.
So there’s an answer for you, women of the non sex having boat. I hope this insight helps you in your quest, and I hope it answers your burning questions. On that note, I’m out of here before the army with torches and pitchforks come for me.