Drive

There is no doubt about it. I am a mammal, therefore I am a sexual creature. I am also a Christian and I hold fast to the teaching that sex is designed for marriage. This puts me in a real pickle since I’m going through a divorce. Yes, divorce is frowned upon in the church, but trust me when I tell you I have plenty of biblical justification for it, so let’s just leave that one alone.

To my horror, there is extremely limited information out there for someone like me when it comes to managing sexuality in a way that honors God. My ultimate source of information will always be the Bible. It says that sex is a no unless I re-marry. It says that lust is as bad as adultery. It says nothing about how to handle one’s sexual desire in the meantime. NOTHING.

So I took my search to google, because I hoped that maybe someone out there could give me a definitive answer. Maybe there was some magical switch I could turn off in my brain and shut down my libido entirely, or some prayer I could pray to make the need go away. I was severely disappointed. Everyone loves to talk about virgins waiting for marriage, but they neglect to address people like me. They also love to talk about men and porn addiction, but they still don’t give answers for me.

I am a woman. I have had and enjoyed sex. I am not married. As far as I know, I won’t be having sex for a very, very long time. Are you in this boat with me? Can someone raise their hand and say YES? It seems as though we have been forgotten by all the Christian writers. Either that, or they choose to turn a blind eye to our suffering. Yes, I said suffering because let’s be honest, sometimes this hurts.

I love Jesus with all that I am. I can not stand the thought of disappointing him. I have begged and pleaded with him to just shut down everything in me that craves sex. I’ve yelled toward heaven for him to kill my sex drive. No dice. It hasn’t happened yet, and what’s incredible to me is that it hasn’t happened for anyone else either.

So what’s really going on here? There have been other moments of suffering in my life where I have seen God come to the rescue, sometimes in very dramatic ways. He has healed physical ailments. He has provided abundantly when there was no way I could have made it. He has removed things from my path that were a bother to me. Yet, in all of his action in every area of my life, this He will not touch.

Before I go any further here, I want you to know that what I’m about to say is highly likely to offend many people. Some may want to burn me at the stake for this one, so if you are inclined to be offended by radical thought, I strongly advise you to stop reading right now.

After nearly a year of self examination, deep prayer, fasting, and biblical research, I have come to a conclusion for how to handle my sexuality in a way that will honor God and honor myself. I believe that God chooses not to remove sexual desire because it is a crucial element of the human experience. I also believe that in his great compassion and mercy for us, he has allowed us to achieve orgasm by our own means.

What am I saying here? I’m saying that masturbation in itself can be the greatest expression of mercy from a God who doesn’t want his children to suffer.

This is how I’ve come to this conclusion. For starters, there is nothing in the Bible that says this is a sin. It’s not even mentioned in the Bible. Go ahead and search for yourself. You won’t find anything. What you will find is that God cares about intentions and he cares about the heart. So what that says to me is this. If your intention is pure, meaning that you are not masturbating from a place of lust, then I don’t believe it is sin. Don’t even try to pretend and say you don’t know what that means. If you’ve been scoping out Mr. Muscle all day and have been itching to get home alone so you can go ham on all the fantasies you’ve been storing up then you know you are lusting and that is sinful and you need to repent.

Want proof? Go to Matthew 5:28. Looking at someone with lust is sin. Period. How much more sinful is looking at that person, storing an image in your mind, then fantasizing about all the things you would do with that person as you edge your way to orgasm? While we’re on that subject, I believe fantasy of any kind is sinful. This means if you are using porn of any kind- and don’t pretend this doesn’t exist among women because we all know it does-then you aren’t honoring God. If you are watching, reading, listening to other people having sex, I count that as porn and that’s a no.

So that covers intention, but what about the heart? Is my heart pure in this quest for satisfaction? I measure that by what I desire most. If all I care about is feeling good, I think that is sinful. God has to be my priority always. He has to own my heart. If I ever find myself wanting anything more than I want him, that is a problem. I am very careful in the way that I use masturbation. I don’t let it own me. I don’t make a habit of it. I don’t even reach to that as a first option when I’m feeling frustrated, lonely, upset, horny, or any other emotion. I can’t allow this to be a thing that soothes me because then it becomes my God.

So here’s the nuts and bolts of it. I masturbate. I think that it is a gift that was given for people to control their sex drive when they don’t have a partner. I don’t fantasize when I masturbate, and I only use it as a final resort when I’m in a place of extreme need. It is a very mechanical thing, meaning it is purely physical. My mind is not engaged with anything except what is happening in my body. And when it’s done, sex and all my feelings can go back on the shelf and not interfere with my ability to function for awhile.

So there’s an answer for you, women of the non sex having boat. I hope this insight helps you in your quest, and I hope it answers your burning questions. On that note, I’m out of here before the army with torches and pitchforks come for me.

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9 thoughts on “Drive

    1. Hi. I don’t know if you still check this blog, but I want to thank you a million times for writing this. I too believe that masturbation can be acceptable, but it needs to be controlled and porn and so forth are out of bounds. I have a few questions which I hope you will find time to answer.
      1) Do you ever slip into fantasizing even though you try not to? I do and I think it’s not a big deal if you choose to think specifically about a future spouse, but this post is making me reconsider.
      2) If we’re being fully honest, I masturbate very frequently. It was not always this way, but my desires have gotten far stronger in recent months. How many times in a month do you stimulate to orgasm? Do you experience periods of weaker or stronger desire?
      3) How do you think we can share this idea of masturbation sometimes being acceptable without risking too much backlash?
      I hope you will be able to give me some thoughts on these things. I truly desire to honor God with my body but it is so tricky to draw the lines in the right places. Thanks again for putting this out there!

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      1. Hi! Thank you so much for taking time to read my blog! I am glad that you have found some help or hope in the topics that I cover. I have been on a bit of a hiatus recently from my writing, but I do plan to continue on with this blog.

        I found myself getting a bit…off focus from what my original vision was for this blog, and ultimately for my life. I have read, and re-read your comment for the past couple of days now trying to figure out how best to respond.
        The truth is, I still don’t know exactly how to go about answering your questions because my beliefs about sex, sexuality, and faith are all in a sate of flux at the moment. I thought about responding to you from the vantage point of the woman I was when I initially wrote “Drive.” I couldn’t bring myself to do that because I felt it would be dishonest. It would completely undermine my intent for this entire experience because my goal all along was to show what is real, and to live in the light of truth.

        I’ve decided to respond from the place I am now. I am going to tell you the truth. Please just know, this takes a level of bravery that I am not yet comfortable with. I hope that whatever I say, you will fashion your own understanding and your own beliefs under the influence of the Holy Spirit. That is the only being capable of guiding you into the path that will be most honorable to God.

        “Game Time” was the last blog post that I wrote where my connection with God was tangible to me. I felt an undeniable pull on my existence to leave everything behind and go to Hawaii. I could feel it in my bones. Everything in my life was being pulled along that same path. At the time, I said it was a calling. I don’t think that is the right word for it now. A calling is something that you either follow or you don’t. Back then, I felt as though this was a decision I was making, to follow what I had been called to. I am not so sure of that anymore.
        No. Instead it was a black hole. Everything I am was forcefully pulled into this vortex, and willingly or not I believe I would have ended up here just the same.
        When I got on the plane, I knew I had passed a point of no return. The door would be closed, the plane would take flight, and the next time my feet touched Earth, it would be on an island in the middle of an ocean, far away from everything beloved and familiar to me. I had no idea that this would include my tangible, and for granted connection with God.
        As soon as the plane landed, there was a sharp silence from the Almighty. I dismissed it at first, but as the hours turned into days, turned into weeks, and now months…I realized that I have lost myself completely.
        My first instinct was to immediately find a church. I needed a spiritual family. I needed people to walk with me, to bolster my faith, and to keep me accountable. I have yet to find anything like that.
        Loneliness crept in like cold air in a drafty house. It seeped into every crack that has ever existed in my soul and the more I cried out to God, the more silence I got in return. Reading my Bible did nothing to comfort me. Praying felt like a betrayal. I was completely alone and I didn’t know what to do.
        Then I met someone. And he doesn’t know Jesus. And I didn’t care.
        The only thing that mattered to me was that someone, a living and breathing human being, was kind to me. In short, I fell.
        At first, I was riddled with guilt for having sex with this man. I would get on my knees and cry and plead with God for forgiveness. The silence persisted.
        Then, a friend came to visit me from the mainland. Saying she is my friend somehow diminishes how beloved and crucial she is to me. At first sight, she did not recognize me. I was afraid that it was because I looked angry or hurt. She said something that I never expected. She said I looked whole. I looked healed. I looked happy. Then she met this man, and a light bulb came on for her. She said whatever this man is, and whatever he is doing, HOLD ONTO HIM. He is doing something for you, and it is healing you.

        I can’t tell you how many times I masturbate in a month, because the truth is that I don’t do it anymore. I don’t crave it because I don’t need it. I’m not having crazy amounts of sex to make up for it either. I would say my frequency is far below what would be considered average for any relationship.

        What I can tell you is this. I don’t have that tangible connection that I used to, but I do know that God is still there for me, crafting my life as it is meant to be. I know this because everything I have-from my job to the place I live, has been laid at my feet. Everything I experience in my life is a miracle.
        I don’t have a clue of how to do anything anymore, because the conventional answers did not work for me. These are the points of my faith that are very much in question right now. I am grappling with my knowledge and experience of God, because all of it falls outside of conventional Christianity and it scares me to toe the line.

        All I know is this- I have begged God to show me what to do. The answers I am expecting never materialize. Instead of being a good Christian woman that faithfully goes to that church and hangs around those good Christian friends and lives a good Christian life, I am a woman who loves fiercely and lives as honestly and genuinely as she can. My life has been FILLED with people to work with and live with and hang around with that know nothing of Jesus. My only conclusion is that I have been plunged into darkness for the purpose of walking in light. How I love and who I love are all shining examples that Jesus does not discriminate. He does not love only those good Christians. And we shouldn’t either.
        Does this go against all the things this good little Baptist girl grew up learning? Absolutely. I am unequally yoked. I am having sex outside of marriage. I don’t go to church. I don’t attend bible study. I don’t participate in any kind of ministry.
        But.
        People know that I love Jesus. And this makes them curious. And I answer questions with love and understanding. And maybe, just maybe, this is what I was always meant to do. Maybe it is who I was meant to be. Maybe, THIS is what is supposed to be real.

        -Bonnie

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      2. Thank you for your honesty. I understand what it is like to struggle with spiritual darkness. I want to encourage you to do two things. First, if you have ever encountered God, then you know that he exists and that he is to be the center of your life. You cannot completely abandon God because he is an objective reality, a person whom you have met. Give up everything, but do not give up belief in God. Secondly, I advise you not to make drastic changes right now. I do not believe that fornication is permissible or that your current lifestyle is wise, but maybe you NEED to live this way right now. Maybe you are so disoriented that you can do nothing but this. If there is no choice, then there is no choice. Do what you have to do; God is waiting on the other side of this darkness. If you have questions, please feel free to ask them and I will reply right here. You are not alone.

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      3. To clarify: I have neither abandoned, nor given up on God. I continue to seek God with the same level of intensity that I did before. There are just questions left unanswered by God that need to be reconciled. That time has not come yet. It is just…different now. And that difference took place long before sex ever did. Maybe it is a season. Maybe it is a test. I don’t really know. I do know that I am doing the best I can to live this life and cling to my faith and pursue Jesus. Maybe I am failing epically. Maybe not. That is for God to decide. I will not wrestle with this unknown forever, this is just where I am now.

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      4. I understand. John 1:1-17 is the theme of my life. Perhaps it will help you too. Also, when I was spiritually unsure, I found a home in the Anglican Communion. Seek out a church affiliated with them, and you will find Jesus there. Whether it will cure your ills I do not know.

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