T-20

Twenty days. That’s how long I have until I’m legally a free woman.

I never wanted my life to end up in this place. I never thought the word ‘divorced’ would apply to me, yet here I am. I’m staring down the this new reality as if I’m looking into the barrel of a loaded shotgun.

3…2…1…then BANG!

Just like that, it’s all going to be over. In a moment I will go from Mrs to Ms. My name will change, my status in society will be marked, and I will forever have a stamp on my identity as one who’s vows didn’t make it to their intended departure point of death.

It stings, there’s no doubt about that. You never look into the eyes of the one you love and imagine that one day even the mention of their name will cause bile to rise in your throat. You never question that the one  you entrusted your life to would be the one that caused irreparable damage to your soul. You never look at your future plans and anticipate betrayal, dishonesty, and intolerable cruelty.

These things still happen though. They happened to me, and they happen to a lot of other people. These things are the unfortunate consequence of living in a fallen world.

I often ask myself if I will ever trust again. It’s an ugly word for me right now, and it’s something that takes a lot of bravery to face. I’ve finally learned to trust God. Truthfully, I have no reason not to trust him. He’s gone above and beyond to prove himself to me even though he doesn’t have to.

What worries me is my ability to trust other humans, and to trust myself. It’s been broken too many times. It is my hope that eventually, I will be able to look at people and take them at face value again. That ability is far outside of my reach, and I doubt that it will ever be restored to me.

In the meantime, I will rely on what I already possess. I have hope. I have love. I have peace. All of these are poured on me without measure. My Jesus is too good to me.

As the clock ticks down to the oblivion that is the other side of marriage (something we were never intended to see in this life), I will fix my eyes on the one who holds me secure. I will lock eyes with HIM and let everything else fade to gray.

This life is a crazy adventure, sometimes good and sometimes ugly. I’m eager to see what lies ahead, and close this portion of my existence that has come to an end.

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