I tend to have a diverse emotional existence. I’m very expressive in nature and whatever it is that I am feeling will show in my demeanor. This disposition can be unsettling for some, and downright troubling for others to experience.
I’ve learned that just like everything else in life, my passions are governed by the seasons. Not so much the physical seasons of summer, autumn, winter, and spring, but in seasons of joy, melancholy, rage, and tranquility.
New introductions most often occur in seasons of tranquility and joy, so it is disturbing for newer friends and acquaintances to experience my darker side. I’m sure that from their perspective I look like a version of Jekyll and Hyde.
What most of them don’t realize is that it took a lot of trauma to make me this way. It’s something that I’ve come to accept, and I realize that the scars left behind will forever be a part of me.
God, in his infinite mercy, has used the darker seasons to transform me profoundly. He uses those scars to teach me about his nature in a way that I suspect many will never understand.
There’s something miraculous that occurs in the gray fog of emotional upheaval. In those moments of brokenness and despair, I come to realize that my God is unbreakable. He is not subject to the turmoil I find myself in. Rather, He is above it. He’s the only one in a position to lift me out of it, and yet He meets me in that place. He chooses to join me in the sorrow and dwell with me there. He’s my comfort, and my source of peace.
I used to beat myself up for falling into these places, or being unable to change my feelings. I don’t have to do that anymore. I was made this way for a purpose. When I see the storm clouds gathering on the horizons now, I can stand firm and wait for the wind to sweep over me. I don’t fear it. I root myself in spite of it.
Go and find something to love in the shades of gray. It makes the colors of life all the more vibrant.