I feel like a lot of my writing lately has been about loneliness. I’m not sorry for that. I feel that in the lives of singles, this is possibly the most frequent and frustrating battle we face. Well, it is for me at least. If that’s a non-issue for you, I’m glad because this sucks.
It’s not that I’m in lack of good company, and I’m not some urchin hiding in a basement somewhere avoiding all human contact while wondering why I don’t have any friends. No, this loneliness is a different beast altogether.
I feel alone in the sense that I am not sharing my life with anyone. Nobody is there to greet me at the end of the day and ask me how it was. Meal after meal, I pull up a chair to an empty table and whisper my gratitude to a God that is not physically present to eat with me. The walls of my home are not echoing with shared laughter, there is no laughter at all.
This loneliness is cold. It has crept its way into my soul like a winter draft seeps under doorways and through walls. It envelops me and slowly lowers my core temperature until I’m lying on the floor, willing myself to stop shivering. My body aches from the tremors that overtake me. How I long for the warmth of companionship.
It is from this place that I reach. I reach to the God who remains unseen. I reach for the savior that was once human, but is now seated in realms I can not fathom. I reach for Heaven and I beg and plead that this madness will cease. I’m reaching and begging and longing for something that can not be grasped.
And I’m frightened.
Frightened that I will never lay hold of the life I yearn for. Frightened that one day I will. Frightened because I once had what I thought I needed and it turned out to be the worst thing that ever happened to me. I’m haunted. What if I’m alone forever? What if I’m not? In either case there is pain and loss and frustration. There is great risk with no guarantee of triumph.
What should I do? I ask this of my God day after day. What do you want from me? What will become of me? What are you doing while I’m sitting here in pain?
The answers are not forthcoming. I can’t say why, but I wonder if this is a ploy to keep me desperate. After all, desperation is the breeding ground for miracles. How I need a miracle! I need an ocean of miracles! A tsunami of divine presence and might to sweep through my life and transform this frozen landscape into a bottomless sea of love and light-this is what I need.
I need. I NEED! Oh God, how much I need! So, I wait. I wait for what I need. I hope for what I lack. I long for what I want. I do this all alone, and desperate, and cold. Perhaps, tomorrow will be different.