I woke up at 3 a.m. in a fit of rage. I had the most disgusting nightmare imaginable.

My ex-husband (wow, it feels so good to finally be able to say that) was getting married and he invited my entire family to the wedding. Not only did they all choose to attend, they dragged me along with them. They reasoned that it would be a good form of closure for me. They assured me that if I was there to see it through, I could have peace knowing that he would never come around to bother me again.

I woke up wanting to scream, and break things, and punch the wall. Reality was staring me down as I realized that yes, it was a nightmare, but it isn’t too far from the truth. Sources have already informed me of baby announcements and engagement parties. I want to vomit.

As I lay there, tears streaming down my face, I wanted to cry out to God and tell him this just isn’t fair! He read my mind before I could utter a word.

From the darkness, His spirit kindly but firmly informed me that it actually is fair. Verse after verse after verse of scripture filled my head. He reminded me that two things apply to all people and this is the divine fairness and justice  of the Most High.

1. We all deserve death for our sin.

2. We have all been offered forgiveness through the blood of Jesus.

All of us. Even him. The one that hurt me. The one whose actions haunt me still.

Life is fair, and God is just. It feels like I’m losing right now while he’s winning. It seems like no matter what I do, I will continue to fail as he rises.

I have no choice but to trust in the goodness of my God. It’s my only reprieve from the tortures of the night. It’s time to stand up and follow my Jesus again. To take up a cross for this day, and continue to choose love.

“You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemies.’ But I say to you, love your enemies. Pray for those who hurt you. If you do this, you will be true children of your Father in heaven. He causes the sun to rise on good people and on evil people, and he sends rain to those who do right and to those who do wrong. If you love only the people who love you, you will get no reward. Even the tax collectors do that. And if you are nice only to your friends, you are no better than other people. Even those who don’t know God are nice to their friends. So you must be perfect, just as your Father in heaven is perfect.
Matthew 5:43‭-‬48 NCV



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