I thought that saying no would be an empowering experience. It didn’t feel that way. It was awful.
I was having a conversation with a man. We had a lot of things in common and he seemed like a nice guy. It was nice to laugh, and have someone to talk to.
Then it happened. He went there. He started talking about sex and all the things he wanted. I stopped him and told him boldly that I won’t entertain a conversation like that. I told him that Jesus means everything to me and that following him is my only ambition.
The conversation fell flat as he realized that I would not have sex with him, or indulge his mental fantasies.
He rejected me. It hurt. He sent a very clear message that he was only interested in me to the point of being physical. Aside from that, I was useless to him.
This scenario has repeated itself three times this month. It stings every time. I’m not a robot.
I’m not looking for these encounters either. I think this makes it all the more shocking. I’m not actively trying to date. I’m just trying to survive and learn how to exist in a new place and a new season of life.
I say all of that to make this point. Saying no is my right. It doesn’t feel good though. It actually hurts. A lot. When you’re lonely and needy and longing for physical touch, saying no is like volunteering to have your hand slammed in a door. Its sharp and sudden, it goes against the natural, and the throbbing can go on for days.
Following Jesus is totally worth it.