honest

Is it ever possible to be too honest? I’m thinking probably. If you were to see a transcript of my most recent prayers, you would say the same thing. Don’t believe me? Here’s a sample of my ‘too honest’ prayer from this morning. It’s taken directly from the pages of my journal.

“I love you, and I want to follow you. I hate even thinking these words, but I don’t want to do what you say.”

I think that spiritually, I have become a teenager. I am willful, and defiant, and the only reason I care about doing the right thing is because I fear consequences. I want God’s favor, but I’m not keen on His rules at the moment. I am a living and breathing example of Isaiah 29:13 that says this:

“And so the Lord says, “These people say they are mine. They honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me. And their worship of me is nothing but man-made rules learned by rote.”

This saint has fallen. She’s fallen hard. Getting back up doesn’t even seem appealing or worth the effort.

So what does one do when the honest cry of her heart is so distant from the only one who can really see it? It’s no use in trying to hide truth from Him. He already knows the state I’m in.

Right now, honesty is the only thing I have left. I’ve come to a standstill on this narrow road. I am counting every cent of the cost it takes to travel down this path, and I am battling to consider it worthy.

Here is the most honest plea I can utter in this moment:

Jesus, I need you to change my heart. It is dark and selfish, and I can not take one more step down this road without your help. I do not want to be obedient, but I know better than to try life without you. Please be patient with me. I know you don’t like obedience that doesn’t come from the heart, but I’m not capable of anything better right now. I would rather grudgingly follow you than walk away from you completely. Forgive this honest heart. I don’t know what else to do.

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4 thoughts on “honest

  1. Bonnie, God loves our honesty. Throughout the Bible there are people in just the same place you find yourself in, and He lovingly restores, redeems, refreshes and renews their hearts for Him. I think that your ‘grudging’ following is probably more than just because you fear consequence. Deep down, I’d say love drives you to continue after Him.
    I would encourage you to keep praying honestly (think how honest David was!), and choose to spend time in His word and in worship, even when you don’t feel like it. Pray for passion and strength. And check out Luke 22. 😊💜

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Girl you are right where God wants you to be. Totally dependent on Him. Trust Him on your journey and never stop talking to Him. You will look back one day and see His tender hands in this.

    Liked by 1 person

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